With years of professional experience, I realized that when people say “I have to” or “I should,” it is not them talking but someone else, who comfortably and secretly resides in their heads… When talking on their own behalf, people tend to say “I want to.” I learned not to tell my children what they need or had to do, but rather ask them, for example, “what do you want better, to read now even though you will be tired tomorrow at your favorite Improvisation class, or to go to bed now and finish reading tomorrow?” Sometimes it works the way I would like it to, sometimes it doesn’t, but at least I never have to face those why-do-I-have-tos or I-don’t-need-anythings. Also, they know that everything they do is always their choice (and their responsibility).A story of one of my clients (let us call him Al) provides a powerful illustration to this point. Al is a single father who, among other issues, was concerned that he did not spend enough time with his son. He had a well-paying but demanding job at a Wall Street company, with long working hours and a long commute. Al said: “I want to spend more time with my son but we need money and I have to work much.” I asked him: “Could you say the same sentence only instead of ‘I have to’ say ‘I want.’ Al said, slowly: “I want to spend more time with my son but I also want to earn more money for us.” Then he looked at me in surprise: “It sounds now like I have a choice!” Within a year after this conversation, Al quit his job in the bank and moved to a less expensive area, farther from New York. There he found another job that pays less, but is close to his house, less demanding, and leaves him more time to be with his son.You cannot choose between what you want to do and what you have to do, but you can compare two things you want and choose the one you want more. I want my children to be always aware of their choices rather than simply following someone’s orders, including mine.
This list was inspired by blog travelling.
Kindest Wishes,
AJ
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