Fear not...

Healthy children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death. ~Erik H. Erikson

It seems to have been a common topic of discussion between the Mum's I know recently; how do you tell your child about death?


4 years ago we lost a family member after a battle with cancer, it was not an enjoyable experience however I feel we were fortunate in that our family was able to spend this difficult time together. Our loved one chose to die at home and close family members stayed at her home in the days leading up to her passing and for a time after to support her children. This close experience with death was, I believe, immensely beneficial for our children, aged 9 (DS1) and 7(DD) at the time. DS1 in particular was fascinated with the whole process of illness, death, the afterlife and everything in between. He wanted to be present when the body was removed to the funeral directors, he wanted to be present during the funeral planning and he was completely immersed in the process of the funeral.


Not everyone will have so close an experience with death to share with their children, in most cases news of the loss of a loved one, friend or family member comes as a shock and from a distance. It may even be the loss of a family member important to yourself or the children's other parent but whom the child did not know or wasn't close to. Since we're all going to die one day, how do you introduce death to your child, help them understand and cope with it?


Death is not a topic we're comfortable discussing generally, therefore not a topic that we're likely to raise with our children when it's not present or imminent. However, raising the topic of death with your child during play makes it easier for them to deal with due to the lack of emotional impact of the discussion. Play farms and allow one of the animals to die, play cars and allow one of the drivers to die, play dolls and allow one of the dolls to die. Then take your child's lead and ask what they think happens when someone (or something) dies, give yourself this opportunity to discuss any misconceptions your child may have about death. Explain what you believe happens when people die; tell what a dead person can't do any more, eat, drink, speak, play, etc. As is age appropriate explain to your child that people believe many different things about what happens after death; going to heaven, reincarnation, finality.


If death should sneak up on your family speak about it honestly, openly and simply with your children. Tell them that someone you/they love has died and that means we can't visit or talk to them any more. Cry, cry for yourself, cry for your children and cry with your children, they need to see that it is okay to feel sad, it is okay to cry. Tell them that you will miss the deceased person (or beloved pet) and that you may feel sad for a short time, that it is okay to be sad and that as time goes on you will still miss them but might not be sad as much.The key, I believe, to helping our children understand death is to be real. Death is real, it's not a fairy tale, allow your children to grow up knowing the truth about what is essentially just another part of life.


(Reposted from 20 Aug 2010 at another location.)